I just wanted to say thank you. I realise now that even though this community is unhealthy its what we need/ed at the time in our lives. You girls were so encouraging and Great and if anything else you atleast diserve to know where I went.

So my new blog didn't work out, and I've been clean(of all drugs including weed, ciggs, & alcohol) for about a year now. And I had a therapist for a while but never told him about my ED. At first I used him to "test" and see how well I was faking emotional stability, but after a while I ended up actually opening up to him and it helped me alot. This summer he cleared me and told me he thinks I'm normally adjusted to life and any mental disorder I may've had is no longer. About a month ago I got a call from a recruiter for the Marines, and after talking to him decided I would join. The Marines have changed my life.

But still I think its impossible to completely recover from an ED. At this point I just focus on nutrition and health rather than counting calories and losing weight. I still feel really self concious when I don't excersice and have a fairly low self esteem, sometimes I feel fat and want to go back, but I'm fighting through. And I know I can't tell you to recover but if you ever feel your ready or thinking about I would love for you to feel that you can talk to me.

I'm going to keep this blog and update when I can. I'll put alot of poetry up, which I think yal will like, and lastly, I want to post a few picture of me. In real life.

 This is me and my best friend at homecoming, I'm the one in the green.

 This is me and my sister when she tried on her boyfriends uniform. I'm obviously the one not in the uniform. We wern't high or anything it was just a really fun day.

And this is just me. In the body I used to hate. I'm 5'4" and wiegh 125- 130 lbs(it varries). My measurements are something akin to: Bust- 36", Waist- 26", and Hips- 34". My body isn't perfect nor will it ever be but its no longer a prision. I know I'm beautiful.
We're only human. We can never be perfect but were beautiful at any size. Smart, talented and fun. We can be as much or as little as we please but no matter what we have the potentail to reach the stars.

 

 

 

 

 

Stay Strong Girls <3

I've been reading you girls, no joke, I just haven't been responding, but I'll start doing so again soon lovlies. But we have our computer and internet so I'm back for a little while, not sure how long but I hope it is. our computer has a virus, and we're using my sisters right nowm but she's moving soon.

I promise, promise, promise I'll start posting thinspo again too! I just haven't figured out how with this new computer yet!

I went to see PPCC(Pikes Peak Community College) campus and inquire about there auto collision course. It was awesome. They have amazing technology, there was one other girls but the guys I met were all fantastic. The instructors are both kind and interesting to talk/listen to. And the campus itself its pretty.

So, interesting story.. I woke up this morning and looked itensely bloated. I'm 131 pounds right now. Ugh ugh ugh. But anyways, I was like.. "who is that?" I'm not happy because of my family, my fathers peeping at me getting undressed again, and he's makig sexual jokes and doing the same sadistic "courting" he did before he raped me the first time. I have no control, and I'm a fatass. So I have three choices, 1) tell my therapist, get admitted, miss college next year and graduate high school late. 2) stay the way it is, remain un-happy, obese, ugly, and out of control. Or 3) stay un-happy but regain control, become thin, in control, pretty, and (probably) still un-happy. I'm going with numero 3!

What am I doing to gain control back? Two things.
Todays plan seemed full proof, but I fucked it up. I had a glass of milk for breakfast[120], Mounds for lunch[230], and I planned on having green beens for dinner, but my sis baught my fave pizza so I had two slices of plain cheese[620].. totalling out at 970. Goddamn. I'll do better tomarrow.

This shits intense.. I'm gonna fuck my brain up, torture myself like I deserve. I don't know how many days you can live without sleep but I'm gonna test my limits. I'm going to see how many nights I can go without sleep. I'm gonna do all of my novels homework tonight.. exercise for like an hour, and read a book. If I have to take something to focus, I will. I'm aiming for atleast 4 nights this time.
I'm also gonna work back into restricting again. Idk if I'll fast, but if I can restrict in a reduced mental state then I can always, always restrict. And I will restrict. My only vices-- dark chocolate & 1 piece of bread a day. Only rules, every morning I need to take a mutivitamin with a glass of chocolate or regular milk and never to go over 1,000 calories(preferably 900& this includes calories from the milk).

So how've you girls been? I'd love to hear from the prettiest girls ever(yes you silly!)!

I took out my dreads. idk what I expected. I just want to dissapear and they wern't helping.